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One of the reasons why marriage is so hard is the unrealistic societal and personal expectations put on couples. Marriage is usually made to seem like a perfect, romantic journey filled with love and joy from fairy tales to movies. This idealistic image makes people think that a perfect, conflict-free relationship is the norm. 

The reality of marriage involves challenges like compromise and personal growth which can leave couples feeling disillusioned when things don’t match the fantasy. The disconnect between expectations and reality contributes significantly to the struggles that many face in their marriages.

How to know if your marriage is worth saving

The idea that “happily ever after” comes effortlessly is a myth. In reality, marriage is hard because it requires constant work, communication and compromise from both partners. Every individual evolves over time so a marriage must continuously adapt. The ongoing process of learning and adjusting to each other’s needs makes the commitment a whole lot more complex than the romanticized version we often see portrayed in the movies.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of why marriage is so hard.

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1. Emotional complexity and expectations

Tension between extremes 

Balancing closeness and individuality is a key challenge in marriage. Couples often seek deep emotional connection and intimacy which creates and builds trust and partnership. However, too much closeness can blur boundaries and stifle personal growth, leading to one or both partners feeling suffocated. 

The balance between affection and individuality allows both partners to maintain their sense of self while they’re in their relationship.

On the other hand, too much distance can also create issues. People who are too focused on their individuality in their relationship may drift apart and end up losing the emotional bond that keeps them close. Marriage requires a delicate balance where partners support each other’s personal growth while also prioritizing their relationship. 

Finding that middle ground is so important to prevent resentment and make sure that both partners feel fulfilled.

Unrealistic expectations

Many people enter marriage expecting a constant state of happiness. When reality sets in, it can feel really disappointing because challenges will inevitably arise. You might struggle with personal differences, external pressures or even little day-to-day disagreements, which can disrupt the illusion of perpetual bliss. 

This discrepancy between expectation and reality is one reason why marriage is so hard – it requires adapting to the fact that happiness in a relationship goes up and down and is often intertwined with effort, growth and compromise.

Yep, get used to seeing the word “compromise” over and over again. It’s the common theme of marriages where each individual is trying to make things work!

Understanding that marriage involves both joy and struggle helps to reframe the experience. It allows couples to approach difficulties as part of a normal, evolving relationship. 

Why marriage is so hard

2. Communication challenges

Silent struggles

Communication breakdowns, especially when difficult topics are avoided or issues remain unspoken, often lead to unresolved tensions and escalate conflicts in marriage. When partners fail to openly express their concerns, frustrations can simmer beneath the surface, eventually manifesting in even bigger conflict. Learning how to stay married involves developing healthy communication habits, where both partners feel safe to voice their emotions and address issues head-on. 

Addressing problems early on and making space for open dialogue can prevent small misunderstandings from turning into major sources of contention, helping couples to maintain a stronger and more harmonious relationship.

Misaligned communication styles 

Differences in emotional expression can lead to misunderstandings in marriage when one partner expects a certain level of vulnerability or responsiveness that the other is uncomfortable showing. For instance, one spouse might express emotions openly, while the other may hold back or show their feelings in more subtle ways. This mismatch can create resentment if one partner feels ignored or undervalued.

Open communication about emotional needs is essential to bridge this gap.

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3. External stressors and Llife changes

Financial pressures

This can significantly increase conflict in marriage because money issues often bring feelings of frustration, inadequacy and anxiety. When couples face financial strain, whether from debt, job loss or differing spending habits, they may begin to argue more frequently over budgeting, expenses or financial priorities. One partner might feel pressure to provide, while the other may experience guilt or frustration over spending. 

These tensions can escalate, leading to resentment and a breakdown in communication.

Financial problems can also trigger deeper emotional insecurities, as one or both partners may feel inadequate or blame themselves for the situation. This can create a cycle where financial stress exacerbates existing issues in the relationship like a lack of trust or emotional distance. If not addressed openly and collaboratively, this strain can undermine the foundation of the marriage, making it difficult to get through other challenges as a team.

Parenting and major life transitions

Facing significant life changes, such as having children, experiencing job loss or dealing with health crises, can significantly increase stress in a marriage by adding layers of financial, emotional and logistical pressures. The arrival of children often shifts priorities and increases responsibilities, leaving partners to navigate new roles and potential disagreements about parenting styles, finances and work-life balance. Job loss can strain a marriage by creating financial instability and self-esteem issues, leading to heightened tension and conflicts over household responsibilities and future plans.

Similarly, health crises can place immense strain on both partners as they manage medical appointments, treatments and emotional stress. This often leads to role reversals and increased caregiving responsibilities, which can amplify feelings of exhaustion and frustration. In all these scenarios, communication becomes crucial as couples must find new ways to support each other while managing the extra stressors, making sure that their relationship remains resilient amidst these challenges.

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4. Trust and intimacy issues

Betrayals and broken trust

Trust is foundational in marriage because it forms the bedrock of intimacy and security between partners. Even minor breaches of trust can create long-lasting effects. This is why marriage is so hard: maintaining trust requires consistent effort and open communication. 

Rebuilding trust after it has been compromised means commitment and vulnerability from both partners as they work together to heal and restore the relationship’s integrity.

The erosion of intimacy

Over time, the initial spark of intimacy in a marriage can naturally wane as daily routines and responsibilities take over, which is why marriage is so hard. To sustain emotional and physical closeness, couples must actively work to nurture their connection through intentional efforts like regular communication, shared experiences and making time for each other. By prioritizing their relationship and addressing any distance that arises, couples can keep their bond strong and vibrant, despite the challenges of maintaining intimacy over the long haul.

Conversation starters for married couples

5. Individual growth and personal baggage

The need for personal development

In marriage, personal development is essential as partners grow and change individually over time. As one person grows in their career, hobbies or self-awareness, it can create tension if the other partner feels left behind. The disparity in growth can lead to a feeling of imbalance where one spouse might feel stagnant or inadequate compared to the other’s progress. 

Both individuals must continue to work at their own personal goals while supporting each other’s development to maintain harmony in the relationship.

However, when partners don’t grow at the same pace or in similar directions, it can cause friction with one feeling they are “outgrowing” the relationship. It can trigger insecurities or fears of abandonment which lead to emotional distance. 

Past trauma and emotional baggage

Unresolved personal issues or past traumas can negatively affect a marriage by creating emotional barriers or defensive behaviors that prevent open communication. The emotional walls can make it difficult for partners to truly connect. When one or both partners are dealing with unhealed wounds, they may unconsciously project these onto their relationship, causing misunderstandings and conflict. This is one of the core reasons why marriage is so hard as partners may struggle to work through their own emotional baggage while maintaining a healthy, supportive dynamic in the relationship.

So there you have it. The major reasons why marriage seems to be so hard. 

It’s a long term commitment and it needs constant work but also great patience and the need for you to be as adaptable as you can be.

The amount of work that you put into it means that while it is difficult, it is also rewarding because of the emotional support, companionship and the beautiful memories that make the effort worthwhile.

marriage is hard
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