Parenting an only child can be emotional at times. Parents of only children can occasionally have a difficult time mainly because of the different ideas held by society about how an only child experiences childhood and also how they turn out in adulthood. Parents of a single child often feel the pressure to have more children for the sake of their child.
In this article, we will look at the concept of having an only child, whether by choice or not. We will also consider whether it is really bad for a child to be the only child of their parents. Finally, we will take a quick look at some of the things you should not say to parents of only children.
What is only child syndrome?
The fact that certain characteristics are labelled as the features of a syndrome that only children have is evidence enough that society often tends to view only children in a negative light.
‘Only child syndrome’ may be defined as the belief that an only child is antisocial, spoiled and likely to take these problems into adulthood as well.
This is not always the case. Kids with siblings can have the characteristics too and there are many only children who do not have one of these characteristics.
Contrary to popular belief, it could actually be beneficial in some ways for your kid to be an only child.
Is it bad for a child to be an only child?
Only children are perceived as being selfish and some of them might agree that it is true. Some only children also believe that not having any siblings meant that they avoided certain battles in life that could have led them to having more depth than they do.
It is important to note though that according to research conducted in China, only children have been found to be more intelligent and better at making friends. That is interesting because you do not expect kids who have grown up without siblings to know how to easily approach other kids. Perhaps they quickly learn the skill of making friends because they feel the need to make a social circle to compensate for the fact that they do not have any brothers or sisters at home.
Only children benefit from learning quickly how to entertain themselves. Not needing another person’s company to be able to have fun or occupy oneself is a skill and a form of independence that many parents of multiple children wish that their kids had. It teaches them to be creative.
An only child has the benefit of not having to sneak off or hunt for a space to be alone when they need to recharge on their own or have some privacy. Neither do have to worry much about infringing upon someone else’s privacy or personal space when they want to go a little crazy.
Let us not forget that only children have the sole responsibility of caring for aged parents in the future. Even if financial measures are put in place to care for the parents, the kids will still feel the pressure of having to take certain key decisions on their own.
Having said all that, you cannot fully label the extra attention only children receive as ‘bad’. In relation to having their emotional, mental and financial needs met, it can only be beneficial that their caretakers or parents only have them to think about. Parenting an only child
Perhaps, also, they have been found to be more intelligent because they are hanging out mainly with adults and so they come to understand mature concepts a lot faster than their peers with siblings.
Then, of course, there is the widely held idea that an only child must surely always be lonely.
Is an only child a lonely child?
While an only child may sometimes seem just as bored as any kid with siblings would, they are not necessarily always lonely. It is also possible to feel a sense of loneliness when you have five siblings at home with you. Siblings are not the cure-all for loneliness.
An only child can make friends. From what some research shows and as mentioned above, they may even be able to make friends more easily than other kids with siblings.
Parents of only children also make the effort to get their kids involved in activities that enable them to make friends therefore it is unlikely that they will have no options of people to spend time with.
How do you raise a happy only child?
Let’s start with a quote from Rutgers University’s social psychologist Susan Newman who says “A sibling is not required to help parents raise a happy, well-adjusted child.” In other words, your success in raising a child is not dictated by whether there is a sibling present or not.
If this is the case then parents of only children need not worry. The keys to parenting a happy only child are the same as that which would be used to parent any child to happiness.
Some researchers assert that only children are so in tune with their parents’ emotions that they feed off of them and mirror the emotions of their parents. It is when their parents seem happy that they are happy too. They can even sometimes feel like they are responsible for their parents’ happiness. Therefore, for an only child to be happy, they need to see their parents happy.
Perhaps parenting an only child should really involve teaching them how to be emotionally independent.
In discussing the keys to parenting an only child, it is important to at least briefly consider the topic of discipline.
RELATED: How to have a happy baby – according to science
How do you discipline an only child?
Different from happiness, I believe that disciplining an only child will indeed require an adjusted strategy. Here are a few tips:
- Chores: make sure they have age-appropriate responsibilities around the home to give them a sense of what it means to be in charge of something daily.
- Encourage independence: they should not need you to be their constant entertainment source. They should be able to play on their own and independently (and safely) do things for themselves especially around the home. Teach them to function on their own.
- Delineate authority: it should be made clear to them that even though they spend plenty of time with adults, they are kids and therefore do not have the right to behave like adults.
- Be consistent: say what you mean, mean what you say and between yourselves as parents, say the same things!
- Do not go overboard: it is easy to forget yourself and give your kid far more than they need or require when you have an only child. Whether you do it out of pity for them or guilt for yourself, it is unhealthy for them to not know limits to how much they can acquire.
Yes, raising a disciplined only child can be a little tough at times.in general, it is not easy to have an only child when you are faced with different kinds of unwelcome comments from people. From co-workers to family and friends and even strangers, many parents of only children can testify to being made to feel bad for having only one kid.
What should you not say to parents of an only child?
A Facebook survey of around 340 parents of only children confirmed that the majority have been made to feel bad for having only one child. The question posed was “Who has ever made you feel bad for having only one child?” Respondents had the option to choose more than one option. While it is not clear how many respondents there were in total, based on the number of top votes (as at January 2022), there were at least 340 respondents. The results are depicted in the pie chart below.
According to the poll, strangers are the ones who most make parents of only children feel bad about having only one child. Isn’t it interesting that strangers feel the need to comment on someone’s family set up?
Family and friends are the runners up in the contest for who is most critical of parents of only children. A lot of comments on the poll also expressed the need for a ‘colleagues’ or ‘co-workers’ option. This means that some parents of only children are seeing their places of work as additional areas where they are confronted by people’s opinions.
Some of the statements and questions received by parents of only children include:
- You don’t know what it is like to have kids till you’ve had two or more kids
- It’s never too late to try for another one
- An only child is a lonely child
- I bet you’d love to have another one
- How easy it must all be for you
- Just have another one
- Don’t wait too long to try again
Comments from some of the poll respondents did show though that there are some parents of only children who do not let anyone make them feel bad about it. Some of them have comebacks ready and others are simply not sensitive to comments received. Let us bear in mind that this does not mean that this was always the case for them. They might have had to do some work to get to that point.
It is still worth it to be sensitive to parents of only children. Remember that they might have an unfulfilled desire for more children and that having a single child might not be entirely their choice.
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