11 Top Tips: How to get along with your grown daughter

Research has shown that even in adulthood, a female’s life is greatly influenced by her relationship with her mother. The mother-daughter relationship is an important one in society for many reasons. However, like any other relationship, it cannot be perfect throughout its lifecycle. It is not uncommon for mothers to have difficulty with their relationships with their adult daughters. You may currently be in a place where you are wondering how to get along with your grown daughter.

Why can’t mothers and daughters get along

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I don’t like my grown daughter

This sounds like a harsh statement but it may indeed apply to you and how you feel about your adult daughter today. Parenting adults is very different from parenting children. Of course you love her, but you may not like something(s) about the way that she relates to you. You may feel like she is not trying to relate to you as much as she should be.

There is a way around every situation in relationships. As a last resort, the way around might even have to be acceptance of distance between you two. Before a decision can be made on how to move ahead with your relationship though, you first need to figure out why it seems that the mother-adult daughter relationship is broken or strained.

Why is my grown daughter so mean to me? 5 possible reasons

She resents her upbringing. You might be finding it difficult getting along with your adult daughter because she resents you for the way she was brought up. She might be feeling that something about the way that you raised her could have been done differently in order for her to have a better life today. She may also be dealing with some kind of trauma from her childhood that you are not yet aware of.

Dealing with adulting. Even when you have done your best to expose your daughter to the realities of life while she is growing up, becoming an adult can still hit her hard. The responsibilities that come with being an adult can be unexpected or just more difficult to handle than your daughter expected. In the process of trying to deal with it and be as responsible as she needs to be, your daughter might start to shut you out and that may come off as mean.
She finds you controlling. Parenting adults involves learning to distance yourself when it matters. You cannot meddle in the life of your grown up daughter and not expect her to be annoyed. If she finds you controlling, she might have to “put you in your place” and unfortunately, that could seem unkind to you. It might be difficult for her to do it in a way that will not hurt you. One of the most important ways to get along with your grown daughter is to know when to give her space.
Not feeling loved. She might just not be feeling the love from you. It might be based on how your relationship has been in the past or it could be about how she perceives your current attitude towards her. While you think that she is not being loving towards you, she might be thinking exactly the same thing.

You are her safe space. Okay. So you might not be sure whether to be flattered by this or not. Your daughter might feel so safe and free in your presence that she can vent about her life’s difficulties to you. Unfortunately, that can happen in the form of her taking her frustrations out on you rather than just speaking to you about those frustrations.

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How do you deal with a disrespectful grown daughter?

When your grown daughter breaks your heart with constant disrespect, you can try these 4 tips to improve your relationship with her.

Set boundaries

Decide what you will accept and what you absolutely will not accept. Yes, your aim is to figure out how to get along with your grown daughter but in order to protect your sanity, you need to ensure that you know how far you are willing for her to go in her disrespect towards you. Being her mother does not mean that you should be happy to take any and every behaviour from her.

Try to understand where the disrespect is coming from

Depending on your relationship and your history as mother and daughter so far, you may be fully aware of why your adult daughter is so disrespectful towards you. It is also possible that you have no idea why she treats you the way she does. Sometimes, when you consider circumstances in your relationship over the years or the way that your daughter’s life is going, you might be able to better understand why she behaves the way she does.

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Point out the disrespect to your daughter

She might have no awareness of her disrespect towards you. She might not know what exactly it is that she does or says that you find disrespectful. If she does not know, she will not be able to stop. You can try pointing her actions and words out to her immediately so that she knows that you do not appreciate them.

Seek therapy

Every relationship, no matter how healthy you believe it to be, could benefit from therapy. Not least of all the mother-daughter relationship as it is so important. Do not think that therapy is only for individuals or couples. There are options available for all kinds of groups of people and taking advantage of it could be the answer to the question of how to get along with your grown daughter. Of course, your daughter may not be open to it but engaging in therapy yourself as her mother could help you to uncover reasons for her disrespect and come up with a solid plan to improve your relationship with her.

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How do I communicate with my grown daughter? 7 tips to help.

Do not be unnecessarily and overly critical or judgmental. This will only push her away and stop her from freely sharing things about her life with you. Unless your grown up daughter asks for your opinion on a matter, do not offer your criticism and do not be judgmental towards her and her life decisions.
Be her cheerleader. Let her know that no matter how the relationship between the two of you is going, you will always only want the best for her.
Do not set out to solve her problems. In speaking with her and learning about her daily life, do not listen to solve or fix her problems. Unless she directly asks you for your help with finding a solution to something, do not think of yourself as your daughter’s problem-solver.
Less speaking and more listening. In general, the best thing you can be for your adult daughter is a good listening ear. Listening closely will help you discern what she needs from you or whether she needs anything at all. Listening will also help you to figure out the cause of any strain in your relationship.
Be positive. Do not go into conversations or interactions with your adult daughter with a negative attitude. Your attitude will be reflected in your behavior towards her and she is likely to reflect whatever she is receiving back at you. Remain positive and continuously hopeful for a pleasant interaction with her.
Be present. Do not give her any doubt that you will be there for her when she needs you. It is not enough to say that you are her cheerleader, you also need to show it by being willing to abandon things for her (to a limit, of course) in order to be present for her.
You may need to change your parenting style. It is possible that the way you have parented her since she was born is not working anymore for your mother-daughter relationship. It may be necessary to switch up your parenting style a bit in order to get her to understand you better and also in order to understand her better.