Your list of boundaries for your mother in law will be especially long particularly if you do not get along very well. In-law relationships can be tense and sometimes, just terrible. They can also be sweet, special and a source of strength for a couple.
The kind of relationship you have with your in-laws can sometimes be dictated by the boundaries you set. It is not only about a list of boundaries for your mother in law but for your in-laws in general. Setting boundaries with in-laws can create the opportunity for healthy, fruitful relationships to be cultivated.
RELATED: 4 Ways to Improve your In-Laws Relationship
It is not always beneficial to be open with your in-laws on everything. Some things are best kept to yourself and not everything has to be discussed. Understanding this is all part of setting healthy boundaries in your in-law relationship.
In this article, we will look at how to deal with in-laws with no boundaries and how to go about setting boundaries with in-laws. We will mainly focus on a list of boundaries for your mother in law as that is an area that tends to be most problematic with in-law relationships.
First thing to consider is: who should be creating this list of boundaries?
Who should set the boundaries in a marriage?
Ideally, boundaries with in-laws should be set by the child of the in-law in question. That is, if it is your mother-in-law who is emotionally manipulative and needs boundaries, her son should be setting them. Of course, you can both have a say in what those boundaries are but it is he who should present those boundaries to his mother and ensure they are respected.
If your spouse is unable or unwilling to be the one to set boundaries, you will have to take responsibility for doing so. It means that, as firm as you would like to be with your in-laws, you will also have to be equally respectful. You have to tread lightly and be diplomatic so as not to cause problems with your spouse or in your marriage.
How do you set healthy boundaries with your mother-in-law?
- Take a stand
Your mother in law cannot feel like it is easy to walk all over you. Decide on what you will or won’t accept and communicate that either through your spouse or directly and diplomatically to her.
- Act quickly
Do not let too much time pass before you communicate any grievances to your mother in law. She will only continue to upset you whether she means to or not. Waiting too long also means pent up tension for you which is unhealthy and could lead to an explosion of words which you cannot take back.
- Do in-law analysis with your spouse
Dealing with your mother in law overstepping her boundaries can be especially tricky if you do not know her very well or understand how she thinks. Get some insight into her personality and the way she reasons from her child. They might be able to give you some understanding about why she treats you the way she does.
- Agree with your spouse
On the subject of speaking with your spouse, it is ideal to be able to come to some agreement with them on the role of your mother in law in your lives. Is it necessary for her to feature so strongly? Does she meddle? Do you feel uncomfortable and relegated in your own home when she is around? These questions need to be addressed as a priority.
- Empathize
Put yourself in your mother in law’s place. Consider that at some point in the future, you too might become someone’s mother in law. How would you want to be treated? Are you somehow making things difficult for your mother in law?
- Remove the perception of competition
In setting boundaries with in-laws, they have to be made to understand that you are not in competition with them. You are, in fact, your spouse’s priority. Or at least, that is what you are supposed to be. There should be no competition. They should know that you are not in competition with them for your spouse’s affection. You are happy to share it with them.
- Review your boundaries periodically
Even an emotionally manipulative mother in law can change her ways over time. Take stock of the situation occasionally. Has your mother in law become less meddlesome? Is she allowing you and your family more space? Is she less catty? More sensitive to your wishes regarding your children? If things have improved, you may want to allow her more privileges with your family. For example, more time spent with the grandkids.
- Create a routine that works
Speaking of time spent, make that structured. If necessary, create a timetable for when you all as a family or just the kids spend time with their grandparents. An overbearing mother in law will have fewer excuses to intrude in your life all the time when there are regular opportunities set aside for her to spend time with her child and grandkids anyway.
While it is a good way to go about setting boundaries for in-laws, creating this sort of routine is also a thoughtful way to make sure your in-laws feel included in your life on a regular basis.
- Find an impartial intermediary
Particularly where your spouse is unable to take control of the situation, it will be useful for you to find an impartial third party who can mediate. This should be someone who has no personal interest and is able to communicate in simple terms what each party’s issue is. It might be useful to find a therapist for this and either group counselling or marriage counselling with just yourself and your spouse could be helpful.
What boundaries should I set for my mother-in-law?
- No forced acceptance of personal values and belief systems
- No rearranging the kitchen or your bedroom
- No hanging out in your bedroom
- Calling before coming over or entering the home
- No need to constantly remind me of just how amazing your child is and how lucky I am to be with them
- We do not have to spend every single holiday together
- Offer your help but do not force it
Mother in law boundaries with grandchildren
- No intervention in cultivating the belief systems
- No contradicting my rules for my children
- No giving my children too many sweets between meals
- Must treat all the grandchildren exactly the same – no favouritism
Biblical boundaries with in-laws
The Bible also lays out some guidelines that are helpful for dealing with boundaries for your mother-in-law.
There is the very clear Mark 10:7-9 which emphasises the importance of dedication to your spouse in your marriage above all others, including your parents. Genesis 2:24 does the same. There are also several verses from which you can learn how to behave with difficult in-laws.
For example, Ephesians 4:2 urges us to be tolerant with one another. 2 Timothy 1:7 also reminds us that because of the Spirit, we have both love and power and therefore we need not be timid in the face of difficult people and situations.
Are you dealing with difficult in-laws? What would your list of boundaries for your mother in law include?
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