My family gives me Anxiety (5 Ways to Deal)

No family is perfect. That is because every family is made up of imperfect people. While you may already know this, it will not stop you from feeling negatively affected by things said or done to you by your family. For example, anxiety with family happens more often than you might be aware of.

‘My family gives me anxiety.’ This is either a statement you have heard before or it describes exactly how you feel. Anxiety with family can leave you feeling confused because you do not understand how the people closest to you who have known you the longest can also make you have negative emotions. In fact, you might find yourself trying to find other reasons why you come away from family gatherings feeling the way you do. Is it really possible for your family to make you feel this way?

Can your family give you anxiety?

Yes. In exactly the same way that friends and strangers can create feelings of anxiety in you, your family can make you anxious too. It is the same with all human relationships. It does not matter whether you are related by blood or not. 

Why do I get anxiety when I am with my family?

If you feel constantly anxious around family that you live with and on a daily basis, for example, then there may be some deep reasons for your anxiety that you need to properly explore. 

There are certain times of the year when family gatherings are the norm and you meet with more members of your family at one time than you may be used to. Christmas time, Thanksgiving and Easter are some of those times of the year. 

If you only occasionally get anxious when you are with your family, there may be a few reasons why:

1. Feelings of inadequacy

You might feel that you have not achieved as much as you would have liked to since you last met with your family. Family occasions are often a time to catch up on what has been going on. If you do not have much to report or have not lived up to certain aims or goals that either yourself or your family set for yourself, you will probably be experiencing feelings of inadequacy that will bring on some anxiety. 

2. Unfamiliarity 

Sure, they may be related to you but they may be bringing people with them who are not related to you and whom you do not know. Additionally, they may be related to you but that does not necessarily mean that you really know each other or have a real relationship. Regardless of how often you meet up with someone throughout the years, you might never establish the closeness that people assume exists within families. Spending time with people who are essentially strangers to you can make you feel anxious. 

3. Great expectations

If your family expects a lot from you, it is no wonder that you get anxious around them. Whether you can meet their expectations or not, it is not a great feeling to know that people are not ready to accept you just as you are but rather as what you can bring to the table or as all the achievements that they expect you to have made over a period of time. 

4. Trauma

Childhood trauma is often linked with family members as they are the ones that you may have spent the majority of your childhood with. Even if they did not play a direct role in your trauma, simply seeing them or spending time with them can bring on painful memories from unresolved trauma. The anxiety of dealing with these memories can make it very difficult to even consider being around your family. 

RELATED: Recognizing your childhood trauma

5. Overfamiliarity

Your family members might feel like they know you better than anyone else. Sometimes that is true. Your family can certainly know exactly who you were at a particular point in your life. However, if you have made significant changes to your life and lifestyle that your family are either not aware of or refuse to recognise, it can be nerve-wracking to spend any time with them. You will be anxious that they will bring a different side of you to the surface that you no longer want to deal with. Overfamiliarity can also cause family to speak to you disrespectfully at times which can also make you feel anxious. 

The fact that you feel anxiety with family or that your mom or dad trigger your anxiety, for example, does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with your family. It does not mean that your family is toxic. However, a toxic family is more likely to make you anxious. 

Do I have a toxic family?

Here are some signs that your family are toxic for you and for each other:

• Your family is cold and unloving
• They disregard your feelings
• You have ongoing first or second-hand experience of abuse
• They are controlling and manipulative
• They expect a lot from you but give you nothing
• You feel insecure after spending time with them
• They are highly critical of you and of each other

Do not be surprised if you find that someone else in your family feels anxiety with family. Anyone can experience anxiety. It is possible that several people in your family struggle with high anxiety.

Does high anxiety run in families?

Yes. High anxiety can run in families. Research shows that ‘familial transmission of affective and anxiety disorders’ is real. Same as for the majority of psychiatric disorders, anxiety disorders can be genetic. In addition to having a genetic predisposition to high anxiety, it is also possible for you to have an anxiety disorder by virtue of the way that you have been parented.

In families where there is a tradition of ‘anxious modeling, overcontrol, beliefs (e.g., about the child’s vulnerability), conflict, and aspects of family functioning (e.g., low family cohesion)’, a child is likely to develop anxiety that they carry into adulthood. 

Fortunately though, in adulthood, all types of anxiety can be controlled or managed. Yes, even anxiety with family can be dealt with.

How to deal with family anxiety

1. Figure out three things that trigger your anxiety

Pinpoint three things that make you feel particularly anxious when you are around your family. It could be anything from certain phrases to some certain members of your family. Be very specific. This will help you to be particular in trying to understand how best to deal with your triggers.

2. Sleep tight

Sometimes, a good night’s sleep is truly all you need to see a situation in a different light. However, just one night of good rest will provide only short term relief from high anxiety. You need to keep up with it by creating a consistent routine of good quality sleep.

3. Take deep breaths

Deep breathing is highly underrated. Taking deep breaths in high tension situations or when you feel anxiety coming on can be very helpful in stopping you from having a fully fledged anxiety attack. 

4. Get professional help

Seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist to address your anxiety with family is a good way to get to the bottom of why exactly it occurs. Do not wait till you are overwhelmed by anxiety to do this. A professional knows the right questions to ask and can help you to break down your past experiences. This will be important to ascertaining how best to deal with your anxiety with family. 

Seek professional help with online counselling by clicking HERE

5. Acknowledge and accept that everyone is different

Within every family, including yours, there are people with different viewpoints, personalities and beliefs. It is perfectly fine for you to think differently from the rest of your family because you are an individual. You are bound to have differences of opinion from time to time. Acknowledge that and expect to face those differences frequently. 

How often do you feel anxiety with family?