How to deal with Potty training refusal from a stubborn 3 year old

What do you do when your 3 year old refuses to potty train? You know that they are smart and able to let you know when they need something. You know for sure that they could indicate to you when they need to use the toilet. However, they simply refuse to do so. Do not despair. Potty training refusal is not as uncommon as you may think. There are other moms who are going and have gone through this before.

In this article, we will look at some of the reasons why your smart toddler won’t potty train and what you can (and can’t) do about it. If you are here, it is probably because you are worried that your 3 year old is lagging behind among their peers. How right are you? Is your kid really as different as you think?

Is 3 too old to not be potty trained?

It depends on how you look at it. If you had a plan for when you wanted your child to be potty trained by and it was far before the age of 3, then to you, 3 years old would be too late to be potty trained. However, when you consider how things seem to go in the Western world in the last fifty years or so, 3 years old is not that old. 

Recent research shows that in the West, only around 40-60% of children are toilet trained by the time they are 3 years old. Kids do not tend to be able to control their bladders till they are around 28 months therefore starting and/or completing potty training at 3 years old is realistically not that old.

What age is considered late for potty training?

People are generally starting on potty training later and later. Kids are also completing potty training later than they used to, which is probably because they start later. This is largely the case in the West. These days, parents are starting the process when their kids hit around 21-36 months. Therefore, starting potty training any later than 3 years old may be considered late for potty training.

It is, however, important to keep in mind that every child is different. 

READ: 5 Absolute Potty training essentials

Why is my child so resistant to potty training?

Even if your child appears to be developmentally and physiologically ready for potty training, it is still possible for them to resist it. Your child may not yet know when their nappy is wet and they might not be able to stay dry for two hours at a stretch. They may also simply have no interest at all in the potty or toilet. 

Your child is so resistant to potty training for one or more of the following reasons:

1. They are afraid of falling into the toilet or potty therefore they simply cannot relax when they are near it or on it.
2. Pooping is or has once been a painful experience for them.

READ: Dealing with toddler chronic constipation

3. The toilet or potty has become a big point of contention between you two and they have resolved to stand their ground!
4. Your kid’s temperament is such that their normal reaction to new things or situations is to take a very long time to open up or become accustomed.
5. You remind them too frequently to use the toilet and they are now either frustrated or annoyed by it.
6. You make or have made them sit too long on the toilet.  
7. They can control one but not the other. They know when they need to poop and can control it but not when they need to pee.

How long should it take to potty train a 3 year old?

As mentioned above, every kid is different. Whether they are 3 years old or younger (or older), there is no definite time within which they will be potty trained. However, when you are facing potty training refusal, you might need to allow a little more time than you would for a child who is open to trying to use the toilet. 

Some people swear by the three day method of potty training. Others take their time with it and complete the process within months.

READ: How to potty train your toddler QUICKLY

Watch to make sure your child is ready first and then look into which method of potty training you might like to use. You should decide which process is best for your 3 year old and your family. 

What to do when your 3 year old refuses to potty train

1. Back off.  Do not try to force it as that will simply not work. If anything, it is more likely to make them more resistant to potty training.
2. Figure out what they are worried about or scared of. If you know what exactly the problem is, you can address it directly.
3. Don’t nag. Don’t remind them constantly to use the toilet when they need it. If you tell them once and you know they hear you, saying it over and over again will only serve to frustrate them.  
4. Remain positive. It will happen eventually. It might not happen on the very day that you planned for it to. It might not even happen that week, month or year but it will happen.
5. Be patient. Be patient with both yourself and your child. Your 3 year old’s potty training refusal is not necessarily your fault and there might not be anything that you could have done to stop it from happening. When your smart toddler won’t potty train, remind yourself that it means they know what to do but they simply do not feel ready to do it yet.

READ: The best potty training books for a Toddler’s Parents

How to potty train a stubborn 3 year old

1. Put them in charge. Make sure they know that pooping in the toilet is their responsibility. Putting them in the mind frame of being in control of things might make them at least want to try.
2. Get a potty training chart. Having a chart where they can see the progress they make using stickers can be helpful.
3. Get rid of diapers. Let them feel what it is like to be without diapers whether they are pull ups or not. If any mistakes are made, they might be helpful to re-inforcing the fact that they are supposed to go in the toilet and not on themselves.
4. Provide an incentive. This is separate from a reward chart and should ideally be chosen by your child. Let it be something that they can pick out every day rather than a large one-off type of object like a doll, tablet or a football. Also, make it clear that they receive this incentive when they pee or poop inside the toilet and not when they keep their nappy dry or clean.
5. Get support. Sometimes, getting support from other people in the nuclear or extended family that your child trusts can be helpful. Particularly when your child seems to have built up a wall to any potty training conversations with you.
6. Celebrate the wins. Make a nice big fuss when they manage to go in the toilet.
7. No need to dwell on mistakes. Do not make a big deal out of the mistakes made, whether you believe them to be intentional or not.

Are you facing potty training refusal? What have you tried so far to get your 3 year old to use the toilet?