The 3 Main reasons why the Village is Missing

It takes a village to raise a child. I had heard those words many times before I became a mother. 

They were of great significance to me growing up in a certain sense because they reminded me that essentially all the adults around me could teach me something that I did not know. The words reminded me that it would always pay to listen carefully to the words of the people who had walked this same road before me. Even if I chose not to obey them in the end.

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It was not until I became a mother with no help around me that I realized the absolute truth to those words though. They mean so much more to me now. 

What does it mean when they say it takes a village to raise a child?

To me, the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ means that it takes more than just the child’s parents to instil in them the values that they need in order to make it in their society. It means, essentially, that many heads are better than one or two. The saying means that everyone that the child comes into contact with, from their teachers, to the gentleman who runs the family-owned grocery store down the road, is helping to raise that child.

In a lot of societies around the world, mothers are not expected to be solely responsible for the upbringing of their children. Extended families and entire communities are supposed to be involved.

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It is a pretty cool way to describe how varied a child’s upbringing can (and arguably, should) be.

Where did the phrase it takes a village to raise a child come from?

The saying, according to a quick Google search, is believed to be an African proverb and more specifically, it is largely attributed to the Nigerian Igbo tribe. 

What happened to ‘it takes a village to raise a child’?

‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is arguably still true. The only thing is that, for many parents, it is simply not an option.

For me, a village is and was not possible. Not consistently at least. With my first child, the lack of a village left me in a perpetual state of anxiety and mental exhaustion. I was never sure of myself or my capabilities as a mother. The lack of a village made me feel like I was swimming under very muddy waters searching for something and sometimes, I did not know what that ‘something’ was. 

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I’ve always envied my mom friends – particularly those in other parts of the world – who seem to be able to take off to meet up with friends or even on holiday without much notice because they have relatives who can take care of their children while they’re away. I long to be like the moms I know who have people in their lives who they could hand their kids over to in the event of any kind of emergency. They can go off and sort things out without being made to feel like they are somehow inconveniencing others.

It takes a village to raise a child but for many parents, the village is missing. Where did the village go? It still exists as a concept in many societies. In practice though, the village seems to be hard to come by. 

What happened to the village?

The 3 Main reasons why the village is missing

1. Globalisation

In many ways, it is true that the world is a global village. Despite immigration rules tightening in many parts of the world and mobility being expensive, families are increasingly spread across wide geographic areas.

It is difficult to reach out to your family members to support you in your parenting in practical ways when they are thousands of miles away. 

2. Economic difficulties

Families are smaller these days in part because people do not know how they can maintain larger families unless they work more time-consuming jobs. It is getting more and more difficult to afford multiple children because globally, the economic situation is tough for families.

These economic difficulties mean that there are fewer people available in the wider extended family to offer childcare help, for example, to other members of the family. Everybody is busy working to try to survive and cater to their own immediate families.

3. Culture of stoicism

This is what we might call the ‘stiff upper lip’ in the UK. It is the growing trend and belief that you must be able to get on with any difficulties in your life without complaining. 

It is as though venting or speaking on the diffculties you may be facing in your parenting journey make you weak somehow. It leads to parents finding it difficult to ask for help from people around them and therefore continuing to struggle on their own. The people around who might be able to help also form the perception that you do not need them.

From the perspective of the people around a mom who might be available to become part of the village, it is essential that you consider how to make yourself truly useful.

How to be a useful part of someone’s village

1. Be enthusiastic. There is nothing worse for a tired mom than to be offered childcare help by someone who very clearly does not really want to help. Show how happy you are to give them a moment to themselves even if it is only for thirty minutes. Don’t always show up ready with an excuse about why you need to leave ASAP.
2. Be reliable. Show up when you say you will and do what you say you will. Make any amount of time you spend with them truly worth it to them.
3. Be honest. Let that parent know that they can fully trust you with their children by being open and honest with them at all times. There is no need to make up excuses about why you cannot be there for them at certain times. Tired as they are, they will see through any lies and resent you for it.
4. Be proactive. There will, obviously, be a line between intruding and proactivity but sometimes, even if you are not entirely sure, you might need to intrude a little. Yes, she said she would not need anyone to have her baby for an hour while she napped but she looked so tired. Show up at her door and take that baby off her for a while so that she can rest.
5. Be empathetic. Your conversations with those parents you are close to can become their much needed release if you can attempt to put yourself in their place as much as possible. Even if you are not a parent yourself or it has been many years since you parented kids, you can offer a listening ear. Listening closely will help you to understand them better and hopefully that will lead to you knowing how you fully be of service to them.

For parents who are struggling with not having a village, it helps sometimes to think of the upsides of this situation. The silver linings. There are a few, believe it or not.

3 Upsides of parenting without a village

1. Too many cooks can spoil the broth. You know how some moms might have friends and relatives (some of whom have never had children before) telling you how to raise your babies? You have a lot less of that going on if you do not have a village.
2. Independent thinking. The lack of a village forces you to be an independent thinker. You have yourselves only to rely on as parents and therefore in any difficult situations with your children, you have to analyze things yourselves and come to a decision. 
3. Easier decision-making. In some sense, that independent thinking then leads to easier and quicker decision-making because you do not have input coming from too many different sources. Too much input can cause confusion and indecision which can be a waste of time in some situations.

Do you believe that it takes a village to raise a child? Do/did you have a village to help you raise your kids?