Living without parents: How to cope after losing your mother

Coping with the loss of any parent can have your mind in some amount of turmoil. That is the case whether it is an unexpected death or not and whether you are extremely close with your parents or not. Arguably, losing your mother is one of the hardest losses faced by any human being. How do you cope with losing your mother?

This article will look at some of the ways that losing your mother can affect you. It will also consider how to cope after losing your mother. 

3 Ways that losing your mother can affect you psychologically

I’ve heard the loss of a mom described as feeling like you have lost your anchor to the Earth. I believe that must be an apt description. When the person who birthed you no longer exists, you have no physical form to look at that you can point out as the place where you came from.

Your mother can represent your culture, your heritage, your politics, your physicality and much more.

You might hear the following as descriptions of how people feel when they lose their moms:

1. Numbness: some people report a loss of all feelings. They lose the ability to feel any emotion about anything. Things that would usually hurt their feelings or make them happy fail to make them feel anything at all. They could also be numb from pure disbelief that they have lost their mother.
2. Existential crisis: it is not uncommon for people to start to wonder what the point of this life is for them once they lose their moms. They search for the meaning of their mother’s life as well as their own. 
3. An inability to focus on anything as your mind is wandering on so many different topics in relation to your mother and the loss of someone so important in your life.

These are some of the biggest ways that losing your mom can affect you mentally. Yes, these effects can be experienced regardless of how old you are when you lose your mother.

The most painful age to lose your mom

I don’t believe it is possible to put an age on this very sensitive loss in life. While the same effects may be felt at any age when you lose your mom, the important thing to consider is coping mechanisms.

At older age, you might be better able to employ the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with losing your mother. This means that in someone else’s view, it might be less painful to lose your mom at an older age.

Conversely, being older does not necessarily mean having a higher level of maturity than someone older than you. If you are 40 years old, for example, but less mature than a 20 year old in the same situation, the 20 year old might be able to deal with the loss of their mom better than you.

It is less about age than about personality, maturity and circumstances at the time.

READ: Getting along with parents in adulthood

Is it normal to not cry when your mom dies?

Yes, it is normal to not cry when your mom dies. Everyone is different. Grief hits everyone differently. Your reaction to grief may simply be due to your own personality. 

It could, however, also be attributed to the effect of numbness mentioned above. Your inability to cry when you lose your mom might be due to feelings of numbness that will need to be worked through over time and ideally, with a professional therapist or counsellor.

For some people though, the tears come later when they are alone or after they have sent their loved one off. The tears can also suddenly come when you start to tell someone about the loss of your mom.

The grief can hit a lot later.

Do you ever get over losing your mother?

You do not ever “get over” the loss of your mother but you can get to a point where you cope with it better and celebrate her life more than you mourn her death.

For some people, that point is easier reached with help from a professional counsellor while for others, time simply makes the experience less difficult to deal with.

How to cope without your mom

1. Embrace grief

You should not pretend to not be sad. Grieve all you need to. Your mother is no longer present physically and that is sad. Take the time to feel all the emotions that come over you.

2. Self-care

Do not lose sight of yourself while you grieve. You are still alive and need to make sure you are healthy and strong no matter what is going on. Find little ways to care for yourself each day. Even it is also very small acts of self-care. They will go a long way.

READ: Self-care when you don’t have much time

3. Celebrate their life

Counting blessings really can make any situation better. Think of all the wonderful ways that your mother existed on Earth whether it is giving birth to you, the great work she did with others, or some of her favourite hobbies that brought her happiness. 

4. Accept comfort

People will want to show you that they are there for you. Whether it is to offer you a listening ear or offering to cook for you, accept all the comfort you receive when you are getting it. Allow yourself to feel loved. It is helpful for reminding yourself that there are people in your life who care about you.

5. Talk 

If you are wondering how to cope after losing your mother, it may be because you are not yet talking about it enough. Unfortunately, this can sometimes be the most difficult thing for people to do when they have lost their mother. They might find it difficult to know how to express what they are feeling. Also, the people around them may find it difficult to approach them as they don’t know what to say to comfort them.

Have you lost your mother? How are you coping with this tremendous loss?