How to communicate with your partner without fighting

How do you communicate with your partner without fighting? For some married couples, communication is perpetually terse and best avoided. For others, it is when deeper topics are being touched on or more difficult conversations are being had that arguments or fighting arises. 

Communication can be tricky even in platonic relationships with no common property at stake. Therefore in a marriage where two people have their bond and sometimes children on the line, talking about the difficult things can be difficult.

In this article, let us look at how to communicate with your partner without fighting. How do you have a discussion without arguing? Expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument and there are ways to make sure that does not happen.

When discussions do turn into arguments though, you may hear of some married couples talking about employing the 3 day rule.

The 3 day rule after an argument

The 3 day rule after an argument is fairly simple in theory. It is where couples agree that after a serious argument, they should give each other space for three days. It is a period when you should both ideally be reflecting on the argument and how it came about. 

As much as giving each other space to be individuals is healthy in any relationship, giving that physical space in a marriage is much easier said than done. You are living together and have to collaborate on many different important things from bills to things to do with your children. How practically easy is it to give each other space when you are in each others’ faces everyday for different reasons?

It’s no wonder it might be hard to respect the 3 day rule fully. There is always going to be something to discuss in a marriage.

What are 3 topics you should discuss in a relationship?

Undoubtedly, different people might either rank these topics differently or have another set of top three topics to discuss in a marriage. I would even argue that in order to know how to communicate with your partner without fighting, you should each know your top three most important issues in your relationship.

The top three topics to discuss in your marriage, in my view, are:

1. Finances
2. Parenting and children
3. Conflict resolution

Yes, those are in order of importance. As far as I am concerned, once you come to an agreement on the first – finances, there are many other issues that will inevitably come up along the way that will be easier to come to an understanding on.

Making the transition to parenthood and raising children can cause a lot of tension between couples who do not know how to communicate with each other. Bringing children into a marriage is far bigger for the couple than people make it seem. That is why I have an entire couple’s workbook on things to discuss before taking that big step. 

Knowing how you both deal with conflict and understanding how best to resolve issues between you will facilitate your communication and help you to know how to raise sensitive topics to your partner because, as we’ve said, expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument.

What is stonewalling in a relationship?

In a relationship, and for the purpose of this article, specifically in a marriage, stonewalling is when one person blocks their partner out mentally and emotionally. You may call this emotional detachment.

READ: How to lovingly emotionally detach yourself within your marriage 

Stonewalling in a relationship can occur as a result of many different things. Certainly , if you notice that every time you try to communicate with your spouse or express your feelings, it leads to a fight, stonewalling can happen even unconsciously.

Once you notice that any conversation or communication seems to lead to arguing, it is best to begin to look for ways to ease the tension between the two of you. Particularly when you notice that it happens regardless of whether you are having major or very trivial discussions.

If you are arguing over trivial matters, it will likely be even harder to communicate about bigger issues. 

How to have a conversation without arguing

1. Listen closely. This is probably the biggest key to communicating without fighting. Make it your priority to truly listen. Don’t jump in to interrupt. Let your spouse finish speaking and expressing themselves and make sure you have heard everything they said.

2. Confirm. Repeat what you think you heard. Sometimes we hear things differently from how the person who is speaking to us intended. Repeating a summary of what you think they are saying helps to reduce the chances of the misunderstandings that often lead to arguments.

3. Marriage counselling. Sometimes having an impartial third party facilitate your conversation is the perfect way to avoid unnecessary arguments. You may only need one or two sessions with a professional therapist to guide you as to how you can hear each other better. If you do not see yourselves being able to go out to a therapist, online counselling may be the way forward for you. You can do that from the comfort of your home. Use this link to get 20% off your sessions with Online-Therapy.com.

4. Take a conflict resolution or conflict management course. Such classes are taken as a matter of course in some workplaces. However, they are not only useful for professional settings or for relationships with co-workers. Knowing how to manage conflict is exactly what you need to be able to manage difficult conversations with your spouse or know how to have a conversation with your partner without fighting.

5. Ask for space. I’m not talking about the 3 day rule mentioned above. I do not believe that is healthy for a marriage. However, I do think that having some space to sort out your thoughts and figure out how best to communicate your feelings is important. 

Ask for a few hours of space, at most. Not days.

Are all your discussions turning into arguments lately? What methods have you tried to have more relaxed and free-flowing conversations with your spouse?