If you’re raising kids in a country that isn’t where you were raised, you’ll probably relate to this: you spend half your time wondering if you’re doing the right thing and the other half explaining to your kids why they can’t do what “everyone else is doing.” Welcome to my world. The African mum raising her British-born children with values from “back home”.
Let me just say it. It’s a delicate balancing act. Some days I feel like I’ve nailed it. Other days? Not so much.
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I want to share with you what African values I’m keeping, which ones I’ve had to adapt or let go of, and why it matters.
What are “African values” anyway?
Before we get into what I keep and what I let go, let’s define what we mean by African values. Of course, Africa is a continent with 54 countries and hundreds of cultures but for many of us, there are common themes we were raised with:
- respect for elders
- discipline and obedience
- community over individuality
- modesty in behaviour and dress
- education as non-negotiable
- strong sense of family duty
- religious and spiritual grounding
Sounds familiar? If you’re a fellow African mum, you’re probably nodding your head and hearing your parents’ voices echo in your mind.
What I’m keeping (firmly!)
1. Respect for elders
This one isn’t going anywhere. In our home, you greet adults properly. You don’t call Auntie Sandra “Sandra” just because that’s what everyone else at school does. I know the UK is all about calling teachers by their first names and having a “chat” with adults like you’re old buddies but I’m sorry. We will be keeping the tradition of showing reverence to elders. Not blindly but respectfully.
2. Family comes first
“We are all we’ve got.” That’s something I heard growing up, and now I’m passing that sense of family loyalty on to my children. It means looking out for one another, speaking up when something’s wrong and being involved in each other’s lives. Even when we live in a culture that prizes independence from a young age.
3. Education is non-negotiable
No, I don’t expect straight A’s or for my kids to become doctors, but I do expect them to take school seriously. Education is one of the greatest gifts my parents gave me and I’m determined to pass that on. The bar is high but it’s not unreasonable. I celebrate effort just as much as results and I make sure they know that their brain is a muscle worth training.
4. Spiritual awareness
Whether it’s attending church, praying before meals or simply expressing gratitude, spiritual grounding is a huge part of our upbringing that I want my children to inherit. Not through fear but through understanding. They need to know there’s more to life than what they see.
3 Things I’ve had to adapt
1. Discipline methods
Gone are the days when a good spanking was the solution to every misstep. The UK has very different views on discipline and honestly, I think some of the change is good. I still believe in setting firm boundaries but I no longer reach for punishment as a first response. Instead, we talk (a lot), we use natural consequences and we work on understanding behaviour rather than just correcting it.
2. Modesty rules
Let’s be real. Modesty means something different today than it did when we were growing up. These days, I’m focusing more on teaching self-respect and body confidence than following strict dress codes. My daughter doesn’t need to be afraid of her body to respect it.
3. Community vs individuality
This one’s tricky. I want my kids to value community but I also don’t want to smother their sense of self. The UK encourages kids to explore who they are as individuals. So I let them choose their hobbies (even when it’s not my thing), speak their minds (respectfully) and question things. Yes, even me sometimes. And you know what? I’m learning from them too.
What I’ve let go
1. Children should be seen and not heard
Nope. Gone. Finished. My kids have opinions, thoughts and feelings—and I want to hear them. Growing up, many of us were taught not to “talk back,” but in reality, that sometimes translated into suppressing our voices. I want my children to know their voices matter. Respectfully expressed, of course.
2. “What will people say?”
If you know, you know. That invisible committee of aunties and uncles watching your every parenting move from the shadows? I’ve stopped giving them power over my decisions. I’m raising kids who are kind, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent. If that means I don’t do everything the “traditional” way, so be it.
3. Constant comparison to other kids
“Do you know your cousin got 100% on his exam?”
No more of that. Every child is unique. Comparison doesn’t motivate. It crushes. I choose to celebrate who my children are and the progress they make. Besides, half of the people we were compared to back in the day? They’re still trying to figure things out too.
Why this balancing act matters
I want my children to be proud of their heritage and comfortable in the country they live in. I want them to carry the beauty of African values while developing the tools to thrive in a Western society. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.
They may not speak their native language but they know who they are. They understand where they come from. And they understand why Mum (and Dad) sometimes says “eh hen” with no translation necessary.
So…
To all the African parents raising kids in the UK or anywhere outside the continent: you are not alone. We’re all learning, unlearning, and figuring it out as we go. Give yourself grace. Adapt what you need to. Keep what matters most.
Your kids are watching not just how you teach them but how you carry your culture with pride.Any thoughts on raising kids with African values in the West? What are you keeping and letting go of? Let me know in the comments.
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