How to be a good mother in law (from a daughter in law)

Being a mother in law can be a tricky role sometimes. There is the expectation on both parts and then there is the reality. There are absolutely things you can do to make sure you’re not a toxic mother in law though. Let’s talk about how to be a good mother in law.

Speaking as a daughter in law to a good mother in law myself, I know what I appreciate and what I do not. Are you a mother in law reading this? What type of mother in law are you?

9 Types of mothers in law

Mothers-in-law come in many forms, each with their unique approach to family dynamics. Some create beautiful, respectful relationships while others may unintentionally (or deliberately!) cause stress. Understanding the different types of mothers-in-law can help navigate these relationships and identify what works – and what doesn’t. 

Plus, recognizing these traits can provide insights into how to be a good mother in law and even better, how to be a great mother in law.

1. The Overbearing Mother-in-Law

This type often crosses boundaries, thinking they know best for the couple. They might dictate how holidays are spent, how grandchildren are raised, or even how the couple should decorate their home. While often well-intentioned, their actions can easily slip into toxic mother in law territory.

How to handle it: Set firm but respectful boundaries. If you’re striving to avoid this yourself, remember one of the golden mother in law rules: don’t give unsolicited advice. Instead, let your support shine without overpowering their decisions.

2. The Detached or Distant Mother-in-Law

At the other end of the spectrum, this mother-in-law keeps her distance, either to respect boundaries or because she isn’t emotionally invested. While it’s nice to avoid intrusion, this lack of engagement can feel like indifference to the couple.

How to be a great mother in law: Strike a balance! Offer to help or spend time with them but don’t force it. Small gestures (like sending a thoughtful card) can go a long way in bridging the gap.

3. The Best-Friend Mother-in-Law

This type tries to be a buddy to their child-in-law, always inviting them for outings, sharing secrets, or involving themselves in personal matters. While their intentions are sweet, this approach can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially if it doesn’t align with the dynamic the couple wants.

Mother in law advice: Read the room! If you’re striving for this connection, ensure it’s mutual and doesn’t impose on their privacy. A good relationship doesn’t have to mean being best friends.

4. The Competitive Mother-in-Law

Competitive mothers-in-law feel the need to “win” their child’s attention or approval, often creating tension in the family. They may subtly (or not-so-subtly) compete with their child-in-law for affection, decision-making, or influence over family matters.

How to avoid this: Build a partnership, not a competition, with your child-in-law. Celebrate their role in your child’s life rather than seeing it as a challenge to yours.

5. The Overly Critical Mother-in-Law

This type frequently nitpicks the couple’s choices, from parenting decisions to lifestyle habits. While they might justify their comments as “constructive criticism,” it often feels like judgment, creating unnecessary strain.

How to be a good mother in law: Choose your words carefully. Instead of criticizing, offer support. The mother in law rules here are simple: If it’s not kind or helpful, don’t say it.

6. The Peacemaker Mother-in-Law

A breath of fresh air, the peacemaker mediates disputes and encourages harmony in the family. This type is cherished for their wisdom and ability to avoid taking sides, fostering strong family bonds.

How to be a great mother in law: Aim to support all family members equally. Listen without judgment, and offer advice only when asked.

7. The “Always-There” Mother-in-Law

This type loves being involved in every little thing. While their enthusiasm can be endearing, it can also feel suffocating if not tempered.

Mother in law advice: Take cues from the couple. If they appreciate your presence, great! If they need space, respect it.

8. The Toxic Mother-in-Law

The toxic mother in law prioritizes control, manipulation, or emotional games. They might gaslight family members, create divisions, or behave in a way that’s disrespectful or hurtful.

How to handle this: Firm boundaries are essential. Open communication can help address issues, but in some cases, professional mediation may be needed.

READ: When You Need Boundaries for Your Mother in Law`

9. The Golden Mother-in-Law

This ideal mother-in-law knows when to offer advice and when to step back. They respect the couple’s autonomy while providing unconditional support and love. This is the epitome of how to be a great mother in law!

How to be this mother-in-law: Follow the simple mother in law rules – respect, kindness and boundaries. Build a relationship based on trust and mutual appreciation.

How can I be a good mother in law?

As a daughter-in-law, let me tell you what makes a huge difference when it comes to being a mother-in-law. Striking the right balance between love, support, and boundaries is key. Nobody wants to deal with a toxic mother in law, and thankfully, avoiding that label isn’t as hard as it sounds! Here’s my take on how to be a good mother in law – and even better, how to be a great mother in law – from someone on the receiving end of the relationship.

1. Respect our boundaries and independence

The most important rule? Respect our space as a family. Yes, we value your input, but it’s so meaningful when you let us create our own dynamic. Honestly, nothing makes you feel more like a toxic mother in law than ignoring boundaries or pushing advice we didn’t ask for.

Here’s the best way to handle it: Offer your thoughts only when invited, and trust us to make the decisions that work for us. That doesn’t mean you can’t share stories or experiences – just be mindful of when and how.

2. Build trust, not expectations

We want to trust you, but trust grows from connection, not obligation. You might assume you’ll always be part of every holiday plan or that we’ll rely on you for parenting advice, but when it feels like those expectations are forced, it creates unnecessary tension.

Instead, let us come to you. We’ll love you even more for giving us the space to reach out. This is a huge part of how to be a good mother in law because it makes us feel like you’re truly in our corner, not trying to control the narrative.

3. Skip the unsolicited advice

I get it – you’ve been where we are, and you have so much wisdom to share. But unless we ask, unsolicited advice can feel critical, even when it’s not meant that way. Parenting, marriage, and home decisions are deeply personal. When you hold back, you’re not ignoring us – you’re showing respect.

A great tip for how to be a great mother in law: Try saying, “I’m here if you ever need my thoughts or help!” That openness means the world without stepping on toes.

4. Help without hovering

We absolutely appreciate your support, but it’s important that it doesn’t come across as overbearing. Bring a meal over? Lovely. Show up unannounced to reorganize our house? Not so much.

The trick is to offer help in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re taking over. Babysit when asked, but don’t assume you’ll be the go-to childcare provider. Help where it’s needed but trust us to manage our lives too. This is one of those mother in law rules that really helps strengthen relationships.

5. Treat everyone fairly

Playing favorites can drive wedges between family members faster than anything. Show the same love and care to all your children and their partners. Celebrate what makes each of us unique without comparing or putting anyone on a pedestal. That’s a surefire way to embody how to be a great mother in law!

6. We’re the parents now

When it comes to kids, this one’s so important. It’s tough to let go of parenting instincts, but respecting that we’re the parents now is key. Stick to our parenting styles, even if they’re not how you did things. Always ask before making decisions for the grandkids, and avoid questioning our methods.

This is one of those mother in law rules that shows us you trust and respect us as a family unit.

7. Have your own life

The best mothers-in-law I know have hobbies, friendships, and a fulfilling life outside of their family role. When you rely on us to fill your time, it can create tension. Instead, let our relationship be about quality time, not quantity. It makes every interaction more meaningful and light-hearted.

8. Celebrate us without taking over

Acknowledge our milestones but let us set the tone. A thoughtful card, a sweet text, or a small gesture goes a long way. But if you try to take charge of birthdays, holidays or big events without being asked, it can feel intrusive. Follow our lead, and we’ll always appreciate your efforts.

9. Say sorry when needed

We all make mistakes. Maybe you said something that hurt our feelings or overstepped without realizing it. A genuine apology means so much. It shows us you care and want to strengthen the relationship, which is what how to be a good mother in law is all about.

10. Be patient and kind

Building a strong bond takes time. Keep showing kindness, respect, and patience, and over time, we’ll have the kind of relationship where we’re excited to include you in every part of our lives. That’s how to be a great mother in law – being there but never overpowering.

From where I stand, the best mothers-in-law are the ones who are present, loving and supportive without ever imposing. The biggest takeaway? Respect our autonomy as a family and we’ll always value having you as part of our lives. 

Follow these mother in law rules, take this mother in law advice to heart and you’ll never worry about being labeled a toxic mother in law. You’ll simply be loved for the wonderful support you are!