It can be such a tough world out there and it’s not getting any easier. Sometimes, as parents, we wish we could blow a massive bubble and encase our kids in it to protect them forever. Unfortunately, we cannot. One of the best things we can do though is teach assertiveness for kids so that they are able to hold their own in the big wide world.
Assertiveness for kids is very important as it helps them to protect both their physical and mental wellbeing. It is therefore no surprise that teaching assertiveness to kids involves both physical and mental activities.
Before we get into that, what exactly is assertiveness anyway? Is it definable?
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is not a concept that is easy to define as it means different things in the context of each individual’s life. However, a good definition of becoming assertive is to go ‘from low self-esteem to high self-esteem; from dependence to interdependence; from [feeling] unattractive to knowing [you are] attractive.’ Assertiveness is about realizing the power that you have and using it wisely to get something without hurting others. There are different ways in which people exhibit their assertiveness and these ways may be referred to as ‘types’ of assertiveness.
What is assertive communication?
Assertive communication is “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your own rights, needs and personal boundaries.” Your kid needs to be able to respect others’ rights while standing up for their own. You want to raise your child in a manner that enables them to stand up for not just their own rights but also for the rights of others as well if required. Assertive communication helps them with this is made up of three vital components.
The 5 Types of assertiveness
While some people would say that there are three or four types of assertiveness, I will be listing five here according to this article by Melanie Newton. I will give examples of each type of assertiveness as well.
- Empathic assertion. This is where you put yourself in the other person’s place but also stand your ground. You validate the person’s belief or feelings but also defend your own beliefs. For example, “I can see why you believe XYZ. It makes sense because… However, I think the best way to handle the situation is…”
- Basic assertion. This is taking an outright stance or making a simple statement about your belief in something. For example, “I believe the best way to do ABC is to do XYZ”
- I-Language Assertion. This focuses any conflict or disagreement on yourself and uses the word ‘I’ a lot. It is effective in communicating the effect of a situation or problem on the way you feel about it rather than trying to make the other person a problem, which can escalate conflicts. For instance, “When you speak to me in a condescending tone, I feel…”
- Escalating assertion. This type of assertion is necessary when you are forced to make several attempts to make your point clear. For instance, where someone is continuously interrupting you, you might say “I’d really like to finish speaking before you speak this time”
- Positive assertion. This is where you say positive things about yourself or about someone else. For example, “I did a great job of leading the class today” or “You were really good with sharing your toys today”
Now, at this point, you may be wondering how to get your kid to understand how to intentionally be more assertive using any of the above types of assertion. Perhaps you are also wondering how to utlilize any of those types of assertion in your own dealings with others. There are three specific tactics to use when employing any of these types of assertion. They are the three Cs of assertive communication.
What are the three Cs of assertive communication?
- Control. Speak in a calm manner. Do not lose your cool.
- Clarity. Be very clear in your communication about exactly what you want.
- Confidence. Expect to be listened to. Remind yourself that your voice matters.
Why is assertiveness important for children?
When kids do not learn how to assertively communicate their feelings early on, it may lead to difficulties with their social skills which could affect their future social relationships.
Children need to learn how to socially express both negative and positive emotions in appropriate and respectful ways.
Peer pressure is something that kids face whenever they are around their peers – whether they are susceptible to it or not. Assertiveness will help them to resist peer pressure as they will be able to confidently and clearly communicate that they do not want to say or do something negative.
3 of the Most Effective Ways to teach your child to be assertive
- Be the best role model. Let your daily communication with others be a lesson to your kids about how to have your voice heard. Consciously model assertiveness when your children are with you. Without even realizing it, this will teach them how to behave around others. It is also the most natural, subtle way to teach your kid to be assertive.
- Coach them. You might have heard from their teacher at school about their lack of assertiveness. You may also have seen evidence of it yourself in watching them with their friends. A way to get them to be more assertive is to coach them through alternative ways to behave in those tricky situations. Explain to them what they could do differently and what words they could speak to make sure they are heard next time.
- Role play. Most kids learn better by doing than by hearing. It may be more effective for your kid if you do a role play session with them. Act out some of the situations they have told you about or that you have seen where they could have been more assertive and, taking the place of your kid, say or do what they could have said or done differently.
How do you tend to encourage assertiveness for kids?
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