Having a healthy relationship with parents in adulthood can often be tricky to navigate. It does not always happen naturally. Both parties will often have to re-learn each other. The kids re-learn their parents more as fellow adults and individuals and parents re-learn their kids as adults and individuals.
A bad relationship with parents is likely to be as a result of, among other things, the kids taking on a completely different set of values or belief systems than their parents worked to instil in them.
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Regardless of how problems with parents as adults occur though, there are steps you can take to have a better relationship with your parents.
How to have a healthy relationship with parents in adulthood
- Be yourself. Show your parents your authentic self and give them the chance to get to like the person they see. If you pretend to be their little angel, they will continue to treat you like they did when you were little. That does not work for the adult version of yourself.
- Allow them to be themselves. Do not expect your parents to hold back any part of themselves for you or in your presence. Problems with parents as adults will easily arise if you expect your parents to be a specific way purely because they are your parents. They are individuals first.
- Learn to compromise. Yes, they are your parents but do not expect them to give in and let you be right all the time or let you have your way all the time. Be prepared to compromise on things that you both want your way with. In much the same way that you would do for a good friend, be willing to let them have their way sometimes.
- Respect them. A bad relationship with parents will often arise out of a lack of respect for them. In the same way that you would like your parents to respect your status as an adult in charge of your own life, you need to be able to do the same for them. Show your parents respect regardless of how successful or not you believe they were in their parenting.
- Forgive easily. Your relationship with parents in adulthood must involve ready, willing and regular forgiveness. Just as any of your friends would do, your parents are likely to offend you in one way or another sometimes. Be quick to forgive them in order to maintain and progress your relationship. Also, be prepared to forgive them for past grievances.
- Pick your battles. You cannot take an issue with everything if you want to have a healthy relationship with your parents. A normal parent-adult child relationship is not exempt from disagreements. There are some things that might find it difficult to forgive, however, you cannot choose to argue about every single thing. Pick out one or two specific things that you believe are integral to who you are as a human being and that you feel you absolutely must take a stand for. Using that criteria will help you to realize how important or trifling an issue is.
- Commit to the relationship. If you are set on a healthy relationship with your parents in adulthood, commit to the relationship. Decide that no matter what comes up, you are going to make the relationship a success. You are not going to let any issues or people come in between you.
- Empathize. Sometimes, it can make a lot of difference when you put yourself in your parents place. Consider the way they grew up and how they themselves were parented and all the things they went through in life that you are aware of. If it were you, would you truly have been able to navigate their circumstances any better than they did? Perhaps they deserve some grace.
- Seek professional help. Problems with parents as adults can sometimes be hard to tackle without outside help. It can feel like you are hashing out the same issues over and over again without any resolve. When communication is that difficult and you realize that you are descending into a bad relationship with your parents, it is best to seek the help of a professional third party. If you already believe that your relationship with your parents is bad, a professional therapist or counsellor will help to open lines of communication and increase both parties’ ability to understand each other.
A professional therapist or counsellor is necessary if you see fit because the relationship you have with your parents in adulthood is that important. It can affect all of your relationships in different ways.
How relationships with parents affect future relationships?
The parent-adult child relationship affects an individual’s wellbeing in both mental and physical ways. You can imagine that when something affects your mental health for long enough, that can feed into your physical wellbeing as well. It is therefore very important that you address any issues in your relationship with your parents as best as you can.
Depending on the kind of relationship you have with your parents and the kind of relationship your parents have with each other, your own relationships will be influenced either for the better or for the worse. There is no way around it. You will either learn from your parents relationship how you want your own to be, the things you do not want in a spouse, or both.
Our parents are modelling life in general and relationship dynamics for us from when we are very little, whether they intend to or not.
An unhealthy relationship with your parents will teach you what not to do in your own relationship with your kids.
11 Signs of an unhealthy relationship with parents
- Parents pushing their opinion and offering advice their children did not ask for
- Parents having unrealistic expectations of their adult kids
- Parents criticizing their kids’ parenting style
- Adult kids constantly letting their parents know that they do not believe they parented them properly
- Parents sharing too much of their intimate and personal information with their adult kids – particularly when the kids make it clear they are uncomfortable with that
- Parents never allowing their kids to make mistakes
- Adult children who are always afraid that they may disappoint their parents
- Parents who are quick to overreact to anything to do with their adult kid’s life
- Parents being disrespectful to or disregarding of their kid’s partners or spouses
- Parents expecting their kids to make all the effort in maintaining the parent-adult child relationship
- Parents trying to control their adult kids’ lives
How do adults deal with controlling parents?
Here are some simple ways to navigate the trying but very sensitive terrain of having a controlling parent as an adult:
- Identify the specific areas that your parents try to control. Establish some boundaries with your controlling parent. Let them know what you will or will not stand for.
- Do not ask your controlling parents for favours if you can help it.
- Be polite in your communication with them but do not let them walk all over you.
- Ensure that your parents do not have a financial hold on you. That will only make them feel like they have the right to control parts of your life, whether they realize it or not.
- Do not try to change your parents. Only specifically tackle the controlling behaviour that you do not like.
- In your relationship with parents in adulthood, try to take responsibility for any part you have to play in your parent believing that they might be able to control your life in any way.
- Solicit the help of a relative or friend of your parents if you are certain that their help will be accepted by your parents.
- Where you cannot get a handle on your controlling parents’ behaviour, you may just need to put some distance between you and only spend time with them when necessary.
- Work on yourself. This may be the ultimate action you require in order to deal with your controlling parents as an adult. Focus on yourself in order to gain awareness about what your limits are and how to assert yourself to your parents with respect and love.
Are you able to deal with your adult parents with respect and love? How is your relationship with your parents in adulthood?
READ: Why can’t mothers and daughters get along?
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